How many times will you let people let you down.

When is something guaranteed.

People touch you every day.

It's only in a rare occasion, that someone makes your heart beat.

Makes your blood rush and time stand still.

They lift you off your feet,

with out saying anything at all.

When you have everything, you have everything to lose.

Do things happen for a reason?

Do we really believe things happen for a reason?

Or is this a deceptive support system, to make us feel absolute?

Is this a response we hear from others or ourselves, to ease the fear of the unknown?

In the case of a letting a goal slip away, maybe it was meant to be,

maybe we just didn't work hard enough.

In the loss of a loved one, maybe they weren't meant to go.

Maybe accidents happen, maybe there are cures to illness' that are hidden from us.

Maybe it's easier to let a relationship slip away, and give a simple fictive reasoning that there is a better door awaiting, rather then working on it.

Are we taking the easy way out?

Are we not conquering our fears, because we are scared?

Or could it be true? That there is a plan for us, that is unknown to us, and one day, it will all make sense.

Maybe one day we'll look back and think, i'm glad I never attained that goal, because if I did I wouldn't be where I am today.

Maybe there is some metaphysical after world, where the one's we love and lost, are there watching, protecting, and doing greater good than they could have executed, in the phenomenal world.

Maybe that relationship was a stepping stone to a soul mate.

Maybe we are scared, but it's fear that makes us curious and question.

And it's only questions and curiosity, that will help us find the answers.

Why is it that in the pursuit of feeling lonely, and perhaps sad,

we feel like we're all alone?

Like we're the only one's in this rut.

We entertain ourselves with any liveliness that will strike emotion.

And it's all for love.

For the one we thought we loved, for the one we loved who we let get away, for the one who broke our heart, for the one who's heart we broke.

For the one we thought we could love, who would never live up to it.

For the fear of love.

Why do we tape our lips?

Why are words never enough,

and nothing ever seems to come out right.

Why is that buried deep below all the questions, we know that one day we'll know,

and that everything will be alright.

Tonight in the search of some sort of sparked emotion,

I came across a message, typed for someone specific.

Someone who will probably never read it.

It was a place I never read from;

but tonight I did.

Titled "miss you.. "

"It's been so long since I've held you. I miss you so much. I hope you're still my friend.

I love you still, and always think about you. Your eyes, your smile and you laying in my arms.
Wish u were here . I miss my bestfriend. " (Anonymous)

Why couldn't it be said to her? Why are we so afraid?

But in the end at least we're not alone.

Robotic emotions

Robotic Emotions.

Why is it that society forces us to live in constant judgment and fear?

We are taught at an early age that there are certain ways to do things,

certain ways to live your life.

That to step outside the lines, or to walk away from the majority,

you are to be seen as an outcast.

Majority rules, majority is to vote and decide.

Even though it may not always be justifiable.

If we're not living on the edge, acting on fears, following our hearts?

Are we not humanized robots?

We have the ability to make mistakes, so lets make them,

let's learn from them, let's learn what we love, learn who we are apart from the world, and within the world, but not who we are to the world.

Sick of judgments.

This is me. take it or leave it.

Time-Still

Sitting on a cold bench,

waiting for the train,

Street sign reads time-still.

The hand on the clock ticks, and ticks.

The sun finds it's way to dawn,

you can see the frost from every breath.

Can't help but to ask, are we there yet?

But the trains are closed,

and it feels like there's no where to go.

No Regrets. Just Love.

Smile, Big.
Laugh, Hard.
Dance, Ridiculously.
Sing, Proud.
Befriend, Everyone.
Stop, Worrying.
Love, Yourself.
Trust, Your Instincts.
Stay forever young.
Live the dream.

Your Never Going To Keep Me Down

Empty,
but i feel so heavy.
i'm like everyone else,
just trying to get by.
and for some reason you won't let me.
I no longer cry, it doesn't hurt, burn, or flare.
it's numbing.
Your taking away my ability to care.
I am going to keep getting up.
no matter how many times you push me down.
I'm gunna be fine.
After every mess you make, and everything of mine you break,
it's o.k.
because one day. the stars will align, and your world will turn grey.
You made me stronger, and pushed me away.
You caused disarray in my life.
I hope it eats at you, everyday.

Before it Breaks- Brandi Carlile

Around here it’s the hardest time of year
Waking up, the days are even gone
Though the color of my coat
Lord help me killing off the cold
Where the raindrops sting my eyes
I keep them closed
I don’t feel a lot of pain only the lonely
And my quietest friend
Ever the moonlight, have I let you in
Say it ain’t so, say I’m happy again

Say it’s over, say I’m dreamin
Say I’m better than you left me
Say you’re sorry, I can take it
Say you’ll wait, say you won’t
Say you love me, say you don’t
I can make my own mistakes
Let it bend before it breaks

I’m all right, don’t I always seem to be?
Am I swinging on the stars
Don’t I wear them on my sleeves
But when you’re looking for a crossroads
It happens every day, and whichever way you turn
I‘m gonna turn the other way

Say it’s over, say I’m dreamin
Say I’m better than you left me
Say you’re sorry, I can take it
Say you’ll wait, say you won’t
Say you love me, say you don’t
I can make my own mistakes
And learn to let it bend before it breaks

----------------------------------------------

This song is, incredible, and truly hits home lately.

Changes... so many changes, every corner I look, things are changing.

The season is ending, the summer sun is drifting away.

People are changing, always coming in and out of people's lives.

I am changing.

Falling apart seems so easy.

Seeing pictures of him and her,

not hearing his words, it will be ok.

He used to say.

The worst is, I know it will be ok.

Losing someone is the worst, but life goes on.

The world keeps spinning.

my thoughts get so lost lately, feel like my brain is in some sort of captivity.

Bring it back to me.

I've always just wanted to be free.

Mistakes make you stronger, lead you to that path you need to be on.

Stuck at a crossroad, but there are a million different roads,

how is someone supposed to know?

So you choose one that feels right, because at that moment in time it's what you wanted.

But the the lights always go down, the sun sets, and it gets cold.

and even surrounded by people, you feel so alone, so misunderstood.

The sun always rises, and a smile always finds a way to come through,

and it's the good in the world, the good in people, that gives you a different view.

fictive affinity

Help me I can't breathe,
suffocating.
I'm your refugee
My blood is seething
I already gave you my plea.
And I think we're both guilty,
But the judges are us,
and we weren't making any progress.

A fictive affinity
you and me.
It hurts to stay,
and gone, I'm a scathe
Repenting everyday,
But this is the only way.

This Song.

There's this song,
that brings peace to my life.
A sense of relief, but a piece of sadness.
How can this piece of sadness make me feel so strong?
Out of all the world's strife,
I play his voice,
and I can breathe.
Play on repeat.
I listen to every beat,
every breath
every word.
It's all heard.

Forever-Ben Harper.

Too Naive to See

What if everything could be ok?
If it could be normal.
If all of this could go away.

If these tears would disappear.
If the words you spoke were real.
This is not how I would feel.

I need the highs,
so sick of these lows.
Missing all the smiles.

I wan't to be alright.
can't stand this fight.

But these lies lie within,
they won't go away.
and I won't stay.

Why should I care?
When you didn't care.
I was always there, open hearted.
I was so unprepared.
So naive.

Left all alone to grieve.

Breath Deep, Let Go.

Breath Deep, let go.
My chest shakes
my lips tremble.
my insides ache,
i'm feeling pretty low.

It's all flash backing in my mind.
I shake my head for it to go away.
I wish I could unwind.
Everything is astray.

How long must this go on?
I have withdrawn.
My sword is down, my hands are free.
Why does it still hurt me.

Liar. Liar.

Liar, Liar
Did you think I'd never know?
Your lying eyes told me so...
I'll never know if you truly let that one go.
I miss you "Bear", she said.
You should have told her to fuck off instead.
Bear? That disgusting word will never leave my head.
Wouldn't she learn when she called you over, and you
were a no show?
I had enough of the cowardly ways.
Enough of the lying.
Enough of the crying.
You should have stood up for me,
like I did for you.
Hope it was worth it,
because of your lack of honesty,
were through.

Worn me Down

For a while things seemed cloudy,
everything grey.
Feelings of unending disarray.
People seemed so disappointing and disappointed.
It was hard to look away from the evil and the spiteful.
But the longer you stare into the past the longer you are living it.

Sometimes you live it for what seems to be forever
Slowly... mornings become inspiring,
the steam off tea is pleasing,
a bubble bath is the best thing,
a warm breezy night under the street lights
on the patio with a martini is perfect,
and with all that the world has to offer there is nothing
more that you could ask for.

Because the world keeps spinning,
Different doors keep opening,
with new faces walking in them,
and you can still do the things you love.

On my birthday I made a to do list for this year,
for about four months I continued on my regular routine, but still
dreaming of these goals.
until I read this quote

"First I was dying to finish high school and start college.
And then I was dying to finish college and start working.
And then I was dying to marry and have children.
And then I was dying for my children to grow old enough so I could get back to my career.
And then I was dying to retire.
And now I am dying...
and suddenly realize that I forgot to live" - Author Unknown

Life is what you make it, and the experiences you live turn into memories,
and it's these memories that live on.



----> (Experience # 1) My motorcycle license... Something I have always found myself day dreaming about, I passed my test and I am now legally allowed to ride motorcycles (watch out drivers! ) and am on the search for my very own! I have met some awesome people along the way of that fun journey and expect to meet plenty more!

Dedicated to the one who will never read it.

What do you do,
When the person you love...
What do you say,
When the person you trust...
How do you act,
When your best friend,
turns their back, on you.

What do you do,
When you feel like the whole world
has turned on you?
You push away the people that matter most,
because the thought of that pain...
Drives you to your grave..

Color me Gray

The interactions between people can be so magical.
that glance at a stranger where you see them, really see them.
Linking eyes, contagious smiles.
Somewhere along the lines, we've all gotten lost.
so lost we don't recognize our own reflection,
how can any interaction be true, when you don't even understand you?
The only thing real are the never ending tears, the only feeling understood
is the ongoing pain.
They always say there is sunshine after the rain.
what do you do when its sunny, but just raining on you?
When the words "i'm fine" and a smile come so naturally but feel so
untrue.
You stay up late to watch the moon, the silence lingers around the room.
Watching the candle flame flicker, wondering when the this rain will run out.
When the sun will shine.

Hidden Fairies.

Fairy tales and wonderlands
make it hard to deal with life's demands.
Restless days and endless nights.
The only thing that eases her soul, is when she writes.
There is this hole in her soul,
that is filled with yearning.
She wrote her own story, and was always in control.
Until a storm hit and destroyed it all.
The winding road does not stop turning.
The black hole seems eternal.
As she watches the moon light up the sky,
she continues to be nocturnal.

Fly Away

Change

Change is inevitable,
You can try to hide in the darkness to escape,
but it's happening right outside your window.
So let's tape sheets to them and hide.
Escape it all.
Turned on the Artificial Intelligence on my desk,
and there it was.
It seemed so artificial staring at me in the screen,
but it was the truth, and it was now.
I was living in the past, I was so foolish.
I believed those words you whispered to me,
it was all a fabrication.
I recognize all the same events in those pictures, all the EXACT same places, you look the same,
the only difference is the other one is not me.
To be frankly honest that makes me happy.
It's opened my eyes and given me certainty.
I just never knew, that was something you would do.
In fact you assured me it was impossible,
Foolish me.
no.
Foolish you.

Release Me

I just want to scream,
at the top of my lungs
blow the roof off,
tear the insides out.
there is a lack of understanding.
to you I can't explain,
what it is that brought me here.
Release me,
make me whole again.

21 Years

21 years.

You always hear "adults" telling you how growing up happens so fast,
and to enjoy childhood,
but you cant wait to drive, to drink, to fall in love, to make love, to live on your own,
to be on your own.
So we run through it all, to get to this stage.
They were right. time really flies.
21 years. It's kinda crazy.
Feels like yesterday I was driving my kids jeep,
down the street to ask my friends to play.
I want to make this my year,
my year to conquer my fears,
to live my dreams,
a year to make a change.
Here is a list of to-do's. I have one year! I will update my blog when I finish each thing =)

-Travel to Europe
-Go Sky Diving
-Truly help someone
-Launch a fashion line, just for fun =)
-Sing, even just in the shower.
-Dance a lot.
-Laugh a lot.
-Love a lot.
-Write a lot.
-Paint a window in my room.
-Do some crazy spontaneous things.

Infecting the Earth

The deer was left in pieces,
the right top of his torso laid on the right side of the road,
with his eyes still open staring into mine.
The left bottom torso laid on the left hand side of the road.
In the middle was his parts, and a puddle of blood.
Drove by in sadness and silence, as we watched the dismal scene.
All I wanted to do is scream.
We are a cancer on this earth,
top of the food chain
and the greatest earthly drain.
When will we realize we take to much,
that the greed is contagious and overpowering,
that life is worth so much more.
We are all so stupid and so insane, to continue the way we do.
The o-zone layer, the distinct animals, the melting ice caps.
In exchange for larger highways, more technology, anything taboo.
We are just waiting for this world to collapse.
We are powerful, and will destroy anything in our way,
it's unbearable to watch and leaves me with such a disarray.

Where did all the good people go?

Haunts Me.

I was digging through some old things, found this song I wrote and recorded about six years ago. It is a rough draft so excuse the mishaps.





The past is what makes you who you are today,
the memories and the experiences are what made you learn from your mistakes.
Never regret, never take any of it back.
Don't be ashamed, or bury those memories that haunt you.
Embrace them and thank them for making you stronger.


Yours Truly,
Huckleberry.